So Secede Already
Daniel Day-Lewis might just be the greatest film actor of his generation. Film actor. But if he was really good he could stay in character as Lincoln forever–like Joaquin Phoenix’s faux hip hop character or the time Val Kilmer made everyone on the set of The Doors call him Jim. As a nation we’ve grown so stupid that if Mr. Lewis continued on as Lincoln in real life eventually people would forget he was acting. Then he could run for President, as the original Lincoln, and finally admit to the public that his past-Lincoln self, well, fucked up royally.
In a stump speech in Gettysburg he could say, “seven score and seven years ago a great tragedy befell this great nation. The preservation of our union has elicited unintended consequences, not the least of which is Lindsay Graham. My deepest apologies. Or, as you kids say, my bad.”
I imagine that if Daniel Abe were in office today he would still be the badass rail-splitting, vampire-slaying mo-fo he was back then. Just like the old days he would suspend the writ of habeas corpus and put together his very own militia all while wearing that awesome fucking hat. (No one wears hats like that anymore and gets away with it. Even the cats from Queer Eye would be all like, “OMG, that hat is fierce.”)
Anyway. We need someone in a position of authority to finally say what needs to be said: the Civil War was a shit-show. No, not the emancipation part. I’m talking about the part where mouth-breathers were allowed to stay in same nation as the nose-breathers. The part where lunatics who believe the earth was created in seven days and the Westboro Church “has a point” no longer have votes equal to people who have all of their teeth and believe in climate change.
Had the south won, we northerners could have taken all of the black people and solved the whole problem of slavery. Selfishly we would also have inherited great music, heart-stopping (but delicious) food, humor, and the best sports teams anywhere. Am I stereotyping? Sure. But along with these cultural benefits, we would also have handy items such as key chains, traffic lights, elevators and air conditioning; all things invented by brothers. Think the south sucks now? Try walking up seven flights of stairs in Alabama because you’re apartment building doesn’t have an elevator, only to fumble around in your pocket to find the loose key that fits the door to your hot-ass apartment. And that’s after it took you an hour to drive two miles because there’s a stop sign on every corner instead of a light.
The south would have essentially become a hot, stupid Denmark. A no-man’s land full of white people wondering where the fuck all the culture went.
Seriously, it’s time to break ties. Just let it go. And take Paul Ryan, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin with you. I completely understand that I’m throwing away Miami in this transaction but we’ll just re-open trade with Cuba. We’re even willing to give up Texas so long as you free everyone who lives in Austin. Once we’ve worked out the details (our team of negotiators will likely be the cast of the Sopranos) President Day-Lewis-Lincoln can re-establish and extend the Mason-Dixon line and bring our border patrol studs up from Mexico to patrol it.
I’m not being an obnoxious New Yorker by suggesting this, by the way. You’re the ones that started the petition to secede. No problem, amigo. You can have your guns and small-penis anger. We’ll take jazz and Chris Rock. It’s obvious we have nothing in common anymore. C’est la vie. (That’s French for “fuck it.”) Frankly, every time I see one of these hillbillies spout off about how much they love the 2nd Amendment because it’s the highest number their momma done taught them, I think, “Oh, Abe…. You’re a sly one! Joke’s on us you stovepipe hat wearing motherfucker.”
So let’s divvy it up. We get Obama, you get Honey Boo Boo. Seems like a fair trade. Besides, you haven’t invented anything since the cotton gin and cigarettes. We’ll get by wearing fine polyester blends and smoking weed instead. After that we basically just snip a few stars from the flag, re-write the lyrics to Fifty Nifty United States and we’re good.
So, yeah. Take your southern hospitality, Lindsay Graham, the Westboro Church, the NRA, and deep-fried-everything and shove it all up your big, white ass. Our new Secretary of Defense will be from Brooklyn and our President will be Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis. As Lincoln. Back for another pass to set shit straight.